Choosing your family

My cousin once told me that you can choose your family. At first I thought she meant as a baby you could choose which birth canal to shoot out of. Of course I soon realized she really meant that you can choose how much you want to interact with the family you are born into. That you do have control of the situation. That it's not just family, some moral obligatory obligation you have no choice but to accept the demands of.

I think a lot about what my cousin said every time my mom would get us involved in a wacky situation. I used to think about this every time I had to call my mom back, knowing full well that I was in for two hours of her blabbing on to get things off her chest, saying things like, "it helps me to talk about it". I thought about this when my brother went missing for a few years while he sorted out some things in his life. But now my mother is gone and my family is different. I still have my brother and my dad yes, but things are just not the same. I think it might be time for me to make some choices, to choose a new family. It is not that I do not want my brother and my dad in my family, it is just that without my mother, my dad, brother and I are a different family. It's just that we are all adjusting to the new situation at different rates. We have to be patient with each other.

So lately I have been investing a lot of energy in my family at work. I spend a lot of time thinking about my employees, their lives, hopes, dreams, and such. I invite them to dinner. I go to parties at their houses. I go for drinks with them. I support them when they need me by giving them days off when they need them. I ask them about their lives a lot. We laugh a lot. I no longer feel as compelled to fall into the destructive behaviors where I criticize them and make them feel stupid for doing something wrong. But i do still do that a little bit, and I feel terrible afterwards. I wish I could tell them the right thing to do more often. That would make me feel good.

And I've also been investing energy in my family at home. I've been cooking a lot, taking naps with the dog a lot even though I know she would prefer a walk. I bath my older cat because he's too old to do it himself anymore. I try to lure my crazy cat out from under the bed for a quick game of fetch. I try to be nicer to my husband and not take him for granted.

For right now, without my mother, these are the families I choose. I am sure, because family was so important to her, that she would be proud that I my family is growing.