I am now just waiting for that moment to come when it becomes obvious what I should do. After passing on the big retail space and pursuing the option of purchasing that catering kitchen, I’m sort of in a holding pattern waiting for the next step to become clear. Every moment raises doubts on whether I’ve done the right thing. In my heart, I feel like there’s something holding me back, and I’m just not sure what it is. Here are a few possibilities…
John’s cancer plays a huge role in this, I believe. He’s been in remission and just had a PET scan which proved that there’s no cancer activity in his system. I am sure he will never have a recurrence, but I suppose his body failing him temporarily made me realize mine might fail sometime soon. But I am not sure this holding pattern comes from me living in fear of a short life.
Again, I ask myself, is the thought of turning 40 such an anticipated turning point that I’m anxious of not having any idea what I want to turn to? Is this the time in my life when I’m supposed to know what I want? Definitively? Why am I so unsure what I want? Why am I still asking people for advice on my life. Is it fear of failure or fear of success?
Every small little setback stops me in my tracks. The internet goes down, I can’t work. I can’t do anything. I’m stuck, using the simplest and most minute little excuses to stop moving forward.
On the one hand, it would be great to move into that kitchen, but we already went through this before, and building a commercial kitchen just to do wholesale didn’t make sense. So let’s say we get a 3 year lease on that space, spend about 50k getting it up and running. Our rent seems cheaper in the short term, but add a retail later and we’re looking at another 3k probably, moving our rent even higher than the combined space. Then we’re split between two locations and I’m running back and forth all disconnected.
So the other option is to move into another shared space, but then we don’t seem to have the ability to have an office, which is hugely important when considering how much information needs to be organized when running the business. I do much better when I have all the information I need in front of me.
I’m just so frustrated that we finally had a direction, and now that direction seems like it just isn’t going to work as well as we hoped. It was clear we weren’t ready to take the big step for the retail location, and it seemed like buying that other catering kitchen was a good fit with our goals, but now it just doesn’t seem like a good option. I absolutely need to take a next step, but somehow am stuck in my tracks. Do I need more time? Do I need more information?