Thursday, February 23, 2012
I think a lot about what my cousin said every time my mom would get us involved in a wacky situation. I used to think about this every time I had to call my mom back, knowing full well that I was in for two hours of her blabbing on to get things off her chest, saying things like, "it helps me to talk about it". I thought about this when my brother went missing for a few years while he sorted out some things in his life. But now my mother is gone and my family is different. I still have my brother and my dad yes, but things are just not the same. I think it might be time for me to make some choices, to choose a new family. It is not that I do not want my brother and my dad in my family, it is just that without my mother, my dad, brother and I are a different family. It's just that we are all adjusting to the new situation at different rates. We have to be patient with each other.
So lately I have been investing a lot of energy in my family at work. I spend a lot of time thinking about my employees, their lives, hopes, dreams, and such. I invite them to dinner. I go to parties at their houses. I go for drinks with them. I support them when they need me by giving them days off when they need them. I ask them about their lives a lot. We laugh a lot. I no longer feel as compelled to fall into the destructive behaviors where I criticize them and make them feel stupid for doing something wrong. But i do still do that a little bit, and I feel terrible afterwards. I wish I could tell them the right thing to do more often. That would make me feel good.
And I've also been investing energy in my family at home. I've been cooking a lot, taking naps with the dog a lot even though I know she would prefer a walk. I bath my older cat because he's too old to do it himself anymore. I try to lure my crazy cat out from under the bed for a quick game of fetch. I try to be nicer to my husband and not take him for granted.
For right now, without my mother, these are the families I choose. I am sure, because family was so important to her, that she would be proud that I my family is growing.